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My visit to get screened for cancer:

Nurse:  "Sorry your boyfriend couldn't wait for you in the waiting room, it makes women feel uncomfortable."
Me:  "He wasn't my boyfriend and I don't see how it would make them uncomfortable, but that's my opinion. He was here for moral support. I understood, and so does he."
Nurse:  "So he's your...."
Me:  "Friend."
Nurse:  (During the question asking) "How many sexual partners have you had?"
Me:  "11."
Nurse:  "How old were you when you first became sexually active?"
Me:  "....Loaded question but....14, I guess."
Nurse:  "You're sexually active, then."
Me:  "Well....I guess...but..."
Nurse:  "How many times have you been pregnant?"
Me:  "Uh. 0."
Nurse:  "O...kayy...-Checks 'condoms' as my preferred use of birth control-"
Me:  "I don't use condoms. Or take birth control."
Nurse:  "Then how do you avoid getting pregnant?"
Me:  "With homosexuality."
Nurse:  
Me:  
Nurse:  
Me:  "I fuck girls."

also i will be expecting you to wake me up with sex in the morning

if youre my partner i will wake you up in the middle of the night for sex

cravings:

if u can’t afford pizza u can’t afford me

"Your kiss feels like home and I’m so fucking homesick."
-(via nibr4shi)

phleps:

LIST OF REALLY SUPER CUTE THINGS:

1. you